Wednesday, April 4, 2012


So, I had this great plan.

11.      Hide illegal drugs in my rectum.
22.    Get arrested for a minor traffic violation, like running a red light.
33.     Distribute the drugs to inmates while in lockup.
44.     Collect money for the drugs from the inmates’ families when I get released.
55.     Repeat as necessary.

It was a foolproof moneymaking scheme. No matter how many times I went over it, I couldn’t find a single flaw in the plan.

Jon Stewart alerted me to the Supreme Court’s decision in a case involving Albert Florence, a New Jersey man who was arrested during a 2005 traffic stop for an unpaid fine, even though he had already paid the fine. Not only that, but Florence was riding in the car while his wife drove and their 4-year-old son was in the backseat. After the police took him in, the police strip-searched Florence two separate times before releasing him. The Supreme Court ruled that the police had not done anything wrong, and that, therefore, anyone arrested for any reason could be legally subjected to a strip search.

Attorney Susan Chana Lask with her client, Albert Florence.

As the absurdities in this story kept piling up, I realized what had happened. The government must have used their time-warp mind-reading technology to discover what I was going to do seven years in the future and stage the Florence case in 2005, paving the way for the Supreme Court’s ruling this week, just in time to foil my plan.

I mean, there’s no other reasonable explanation.

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